Common Sense X-Rated

I have come to My Senses

I have finally realized that

I do not have common sense but that my senses are common

No that’s not exactly right

What I really meant to say is that

My personal senses are not very common

They are not even a very ordinary sample

Actually my senses are sub par

Especially when you step back and examine them from a far

Take for example

Problems that I have had hearing with my ears

Listening to things I did no want to hear

I’m taking a class and the teacher rubs chalk on the black board

Screech and scratch, oh Lord

My whole body shivers and twitches

At the very thought of gossips and cackling witches

I tell you, you can’t shut them out

People that scream and shout

Dentist drills that give me chills

A call from my mechanic to collect his bills

Television commercials

And news from my accountant

All this noise flying by my ear, things I never really wanted to hear

If there is a criticism about me or some disparaging remark

Believe you me, my ear is right there listening very intently then

But do you think he would ever allow in just one whispered encouragement

Or sweet nothing, when that happens

And all I can say is “HuH” or “Come Again”

When you talk about senses that have no sense

You have to include my stupid nose and how it smells

I ‘m sitting in the living room lounging in my favorite easy chair

And Willy my dog is laying on the floor right next to me

Scratching, and licking and being obnoxious.

He slips and offers up a gastric atomic bomb

That permeates the room

The paint on the wall begins to peel and even crack the plaster

But nose knows before I do

he catches the first faint waft of disaster

Now Nose displays the height of stupidity

Instead of warning me

To run for cover, he is no nose of mine

He voluntarily sucks in more

In order to discover if he was right the first time

Seeing with my eyes is just as bad

Every time I have seen anyone with a large growth or even bigger zit

I have looked away, not wanting to see any part of it

only to have my eyes look right back

I tell you it is just not fair

Whenever I lose something

Eyes look right past it as if it wasn’t there

Do you think eyes could see

The guy backing out of his parking space right behind me

No never

But eyes have never overlooked

a pastry, no not ever

Have you ever gotten a bad taste in your mouth, It never goes away

The tongue holds on to liver flavor from January to May

But chocolate

Tongue and his partner Taste won’t  tolerate it

As soon as the sweet morsel touches my mouth

The flavor immediately starts to disperse

And I have to go searching for more

And what about items that are Hot

You know, deep down sneaky spicy hot

Like those little red chili peppers hidden in the Chinese food

Tongue and taste will never say “WATCH OUT” folks

He waits…and waits until the last moment

Just before blisters start to appear

And what does tongue do, he chokes and gags for water, leaving me in tears

I think it’s a conspiracy

Tongue and taste have been trying to kill me for years

They both work very hard to get me to eat everything bad

Rare steak dripping with fat, and cholesterol is sure to make them glad

Finally I will say that Tongue should at least partner up with “Good Taste”

He’s always saying things that I had wish I had never said

And he never mentions those words I wanted to say

until way after its to late and I have gone home and went to bed

Touch and feeling is a sense driven by desire

With no mind of its own, touch has almost driven me asunder

When I was a babe I once tried to touch fire

But instead of the fire I felt the need to move my hand away quickly

Now I can’t seem to avoid wet paint

Gee is it really wet, I wonder

It’s really hard to avoid touching small dogs to pet and feel their soft fur

Especially ones that snap and bite

If you play a piano or billiards you have to have the right touch

I never had it, I guess I got what was left

Some people have accused me of being touched

And that didn’t make me feel very good

In the long run it makes you feel good to touch others

But if they touch you, it makes you cry

Now the 6^th sense is equally difficult

Instinct and premonition cause worlds of trouble

That are not my fault

I instinctively know how to operate a television flipper

And my wife does not.

She takes my ability as a personal insult

And hides the flipper every time I leave the room

Premonitions always are about something awful about to happen

If  I take a trip, I know before hand, my bags will get lost

I also know before I enter a restaurant that they will be training a new waitress

And the couple sitting in the booth next to me will have three obnoxious children

It’s strange, even spooky how I can read everyone’s mind, except of course my wife

She can talk about a movie, mention some place great to eat

Or come right out and say lets get in the car and take a ride

I will smile and mumble, honey that idea is really neat

Now give me back the flipper and pass the TV guide

The irony of it all is that I know exactly

when the dog wants to go outside

You would think that with all of my abilities

I could make a living at the race track

Maybe pick a winning set of lottery numbers right out of the thin air

But I have been to busy looking for my car keys

I just knew I was going to lose them some where

mikeb